Survival of the Eric: The Abridged Series
by CerberAsta
Summary: So, anyone want to refresh themselves on Survival of the Eric? Or, even better, see all the mistakes Asta likes to poke fun at? Watch as Asta and Mel poke fun at their masterpiece, all while still telling the bizarre of tale of insanity!
1. Why Haven't We Killed Him Yet?

_**Survival of the Eric: Abridged**_

_**Episode 1: Why Haven't We Killed Him Yet?**_

_**So, I figured, what the hell? I'm feeling up to making a large summary of Survival of the Eric, all while poking fun at myself and the characters in general. Let's see if abridging fanfiction is even possible.**_

**BReakaway**

So, Asta totally messed up on typing out the chapter title, then felt lazy and left it like for over half of the fic. Idjit. Shifting away from that, we see Jackson and Nathan out in the darkness, cooking an egg. Why doesn't the fire crackling wake anyone else? Why are they awake, in particular? Who cares!?

"So, why'd you get up so early?" Nathan asked.

"I always wake up early, because I'm one paranoid mother fucker," Jackson replied, "also, I'm just badass enough to not need sleep. Why the hell did you wake up, Cor- I mean, Nathan."

Nathan scraped the egg off of his makeshift plate and gobbled it down, gleefully.

"Let's have some unnecessary dialogue about me taking the last turn to get the egg and how I'm totally cool for doing it."

Jackson snorted, "Please. I'm the major badass around here. Don't forget it, punk."

"Right. Forgot."

After a moment, a certain blonde scum for who this fic is titled emerged from his tents, groggier than Rumplestilskin.

"Why are you guys not sleeping? It totally ruins my plans for swiping the egg."

"What?"

"Nothing. Hey, doesn't this diet suck?"

"I'm pretty sure you said something about swiping this egg," Nathan said.

"Why don't we eat the chicken?" Eric said, salivating over the poor bird.

"Why do you keep ignoring me!?"

"What? Eat the chicken? No. Retard," Jackson snapped.

"You have pissed me off. GLARE."

"Oh yeah, blondie. EYE OF THE STREET RAT."

Eric's pathetic glare was no much for teh awesomeness that is Jackson's street rat glare, and thus he bowed in respect, before skimpering off to the tents, to write on his imaginary LiveJournal.

"Why haven't we killed him yet?" Nathan asked.

"Because I haven't deem it badass enough, yet."

"Right."

The morning progressed, and everyone sat down to breakfast. Why on earth Jackson didn't just maul Eric or keep a _super_ keen eye on him for _totally_ trying to swipe the egg and being a royal dick about the chicken is anyone's guess.

"Hey, little half-brother whose relations to me were never so much as touched on by the writers! Got any ideas for saving our tails, since you always do?"

"Well, I could make a diamond out of the sand with some schematics I read about on Anarkists For The Win dot com, then use the raw energy to hone the innate telekinetic powers we humans have and pull civilization to us."

"Seriously?" Daley asked.

"Screw that, why don't we hunt!" Eric shouted.

"What? That's STUPID. YOU'RE stupid," Daley snapped.

"Nah-uh! And I'll prove my plan is genius by asking everyone to come along, even the 10 year old child and physically pampered girl who can't even stand to walk around the beach for too long!"

Crickets.

"Uhhh... I'm too much of a wuss to kill anything," Nathan said.

"What about fish?"

"They don't kill them. _I do._ With my _bare _hands," Jackson intercepted.

"Daley?"

"Psh. Like I'm leaving Corbin Bleu for exploration in the jungle."

"We already did that joke this chapter," Jackson said.

"Really?" Daley asked, "Crap."

"Melissa?" Eric asked, sharply, "Let me guess. You're too emotionally dependent on Jackson breathing within 100 feet of you that you won't."

Melissa giggled, "On the mark!"

"And you won't go because-"

"Dude, you're a jerk, and I'm too much awesome," Jackson replied.

"Taylor?"

_**EMOTIONAL MOMENTS IN WHICH TAYLOR DRAMATICALLY SHAKES HER HEAD AND ERIC STORMS AWAY. OH TEH NOES.**_

"...Dumbass."

"He's dead."

"Yup."

"Good riddance."

_**SUPER SECRET FORESHADOWING THAT TAYLOR KNOWS SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS AND DARK IN ERIC'S PAST. OH TEH NOES.**_

"HAI SCRU U GAIZ, 3RIC IZ SUPA PWNAG3 AND J00 R ALL T3H N00BZ!"

And thus, Taylor ran off, to type away on her imaginary LiveJournal.

"...Well, that could've gone better," Jackson said.


	2. Asta Loves the F Bomb

_**Episode 2: Asta Loves the F-Bomb**_

_**...It's true.**_

**Rough Beginnings**

"I am Eric, and I am talking to myself and I am cool. No not crazy. Not yet. No really."

Eric then continued to pilfer through woods, doing inane things because Asta felt like showing off Eric's 3p1c survival skillz.

_**SCENE SHIFT**_

Taylor and Jackson resolved their issues and make cute jokes. Aww little cuddly Jackson.

"Kiss my ass Jackson," demanded Taylor

"I am confused, can I?"

"Shut up!"

"Fine, then I'll make a pointless video diary and break the fourth wall by mentioning the chapter title. Derp."

_**SCENE SHIFT**_

"Melissa can we talk now?"

"Jackson can't you see I am emoing? Back off."

"Fine. Going away again. But I'll be back. I am always back."

_**SCEEEEEEEEEEENE SHIIIIIIIIIIFT**_

"Jackson you're a moron, let us pointlessly discuss the name of your Lord to help achieve enlightenment, or help Melissa" Taylor said

_**IT IS A SCENE SHIFT BECAUSE I THINK MY READERS ARE MORONS**_

"Asta must love the word fuck. He's probably repressed or something, so let me say it over and over for his maturation fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Okay I think we're good and I scarred a ten-year-old in the process. Go me."

"Nathan, I shall use my sexuality to motivate you."

"My genetalia contains a brain!" Nathan shouted gleefully then muttered to himself as he climbed down the tree. The three minutes it took are still stupid and long in this version.

_**YA' KNOW WHAT...? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.**_

Eric's happy, too, but I don't care because Melissa is still emoing.

"Mel, I am back as promised and still want to talk." Jackson tries earnestly.

"Jackson, refer to the narration and go away."

Pointless arguing. And some tears blah blah. Also, Asta made a funny typo which insinuated Melissa performing naughty acts, which he had to gloat about in his Author's Note. Hur dur, he's so mature.

Lunch, which contains Jackson basically saying this:

"I am still cool and badass, fo sho."

And this grammatical error which proves boy geniuses are people too:

"Daley, have you gotten a knife?"

_**AND THEN ERIC EATS BERRIES. WHY AM I TALKING? BECAUSE I DON'T GET TO ANNOUNCE SCENE-SHIFTS ANYMORE. ALSO, THEY MAKE HIM PUKE. BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE HATES ERIC.**_

Later, Jackson does a recap to Taylor of the Melissa convo, Taylor helps out in her usual bitchtastic way, Asta breaks the fourth wall while taunting Eric and I get a lovely shout out. Woot.

We close with Melissa apologizing and some cute handholding, and Eric takes us out before we fade to black.

_**This chapter was mostly written by Melreincarna. Love her, people. LOVE HER. I did Sir Scene Shift's lines and the bit about my maturity, because I'm self-deprecating like that.**_


	3. Another Day, Another Splash of Wangst

_**Episode 3: Another Day, Another Set of Wangst or... In Which Asta Starts Using Alternate Titles**_

**Another Day, Another Breakdown**

Breakfast time! The only thing vaguely important here is when Taylor, _subtly as a slippery snake_, makes sure that Melissa and Jackson have alone time. Because, ya' know, she's clearly nice enough to play Cupid and get them by themselves.

_**ASTA "REFERENCES" THE GRINCH AND HATCHET ALL AT ONCE**_

Eric, now with green fur and a hatchet strapped to his side, stroked his beard.

"Curse those Whos down at the beach

Comfort from nature is all I beseech

They shunned me and scorned me

And so I left, but now I must flee

To dig a latrine is my need now, you see?"

_**AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.**_

"Hey, Taylor, you alright?" Jackson.

"BITCH I KILL YOU."

"Bitch, take a midol."

"SHUT THE- Oh shit. I really do need one."

"Female problems, ew, I'm out!" Jackson barked, rushing off.

"Hey, blondie," Melissa said, "I got some stuff, because I was due for the first week."

_**THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.**_

"This explains so- Oh wait, he already said that. FUCK YOU, SIR SCENE SHIFT."

_**IN THE FOREST AT SIX.**_

"Go get the midol before he gets any farther with this!"

Taylor thusly bolted.

**SURVIVAL ABRIDGED IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, WHICH IS WHY ASTA MAKES REFERENCES TO IT**

Eric bolted behind a tree, smelling irritability on the air. Taylor heard him, because he's only a level one ninja, and she's a level three bitch. She promptly picked up a stick and pointed it towards the tree.

"I'm a bitch with a stick, so don't _fuck with me!_"

"I BLEED EASY."

Taylor nearly glomped him, right then, before he shoved her back.

"Look, I'm just needing to steal something, kay?"

"Hey, lemme steal it for you!"

Eric blinked, and Taylor had already gotten the shovel, because Asta was leaning towards Taylor totally hooking up with Eric at this point. Yes, this was before he realized the _actual_ pairings going on. And yes, he realizes that planning ahead is a good idea.

"Stay with us!" Taylor said.

"No."

"Please?"

"No..."

_**INCOMING ACTUAL STORY COPY/PASTE**_

"Eric, please, listen to reason," Taylor pleaded.

"I can't, alright."

_**Either we have skipped some levels on the "epic typo of fail" scale, or else I was subconsciously attempting to explain things.**_

"PLEEEEAAAAAASE!?" Taylor screeched, crying.

"Srykthxbai!"

Eric bolted, while Taylor fell into a ball of tears.

"WANGST."

_**SOTE:TAS (hey look... an actual scene shift mark!)**_

"Hey, check on Taylor," Melissa said.

"Bitches be tripping. I am _not_ gonna look at her putting on a pad."

"_Fiiiiiiiine._ Go do manual labor, while I go do something important and character-developing."

"Cool."

_**SOTE:TAS (it's like a parody of the old ones, get it?)**_

"Taylor?"

"WANGST!"

"You okay?"

"_WANGST."_

"Okay. Know what? I've been wanting to do this for _so _long. NARUTO PAWNCH."

And so Melissa punched Taylor in the face. The girl immediately stood and shouted something about believing it. And then every Narutard stabbed Asta. And thus, Taylor was less wangsty because Melissa punched her. Just like in Naruto. Or any anime, for that matter.

_**SOTE:TAS (moo)**_

"Boomerang exposition, explanation, excarcerbation, more e words-"

"Hey, Lex, go over there while I get it on with your sister."

"...sure."

Nathan slowly moved in for a sweet, hot, steamy kiss, which Daley was totally going to reciprocate. Lex glared at him for a moment, then tossed the boomerang.

_BAM._

"No way in hell is Corbin Bleu gonna put the moves on _my _sister. Zac Effron, _maybe_," Lex said.

"Punk!"

_**SOTE:TAS (this upcoming paragraph was almost too short to properly abridge)**_

"Let's go fish like a bauws," Jackson said.

"Mm'kay, hotness," Melissa replied, dreamily.

And thus they walked away, while Taylor took up a paragraph to get water.

_**SOTE:TAS**_

"Gotten over that Taylor thing, Mel?"

"Yeah. Your pure awesomeness helped."

"It always does."

He got the fishing rods of a sort ready, latching the earrings on as lures. He handed one to Melissa, and cast his.

"...Why are you using ear rings?"

"Taylor said to."

"See, that should make me kind of jealous that you had some kind of bonding experience and it involved removing her ear rings. Really."

"Bitches better not trip."

"I love you."

**SOTE:TAS**

"Ow, my everything... In my emo rage, I shall make cracks about Asta's writing."

_**YAOI TIME, BITCH.**_

"Off to do something else, like get water... and a water-holder!"

**SOTE:TAS**

Lunch time everyone eats, there won't be any drama here... kthxbai.

**SOTE:TAS**

"Hey, so you're brother _totally_ was a bitch earlier, so can we try that kiss again, now that we're out of boomerang range?"

"kay"

And so they did. And Asta poured all of his hormones into describing a kiss. Afterwards, stunned by their kiss, they went back to work. Nathan walked casually by Lex, who looked up at him. Nathan did not notice the stare of a boy who was planning to castrate him in his sleep.

"Kissing my sister... I'll murder him..."

But then, he didn't. Because Asta had enough of the murder shtick. That was _totally_ Eric's thing.

**SOTE:TAS**

"IS NOT," Eric shouted.

Is too.

"IS NOOOOOT!"

I cast magic missile!

"OW."

**SOTE:A**

And then everyone talked in their diaries about how everyone wanted to kill Eric, except for Taylor who let out a little boohoo about the blonde idiot. And then Melissa punched her again, and everything was better.

**SOTE:TAS**

Let's watch Eric as he emo's over Taylor and boils water!

...

Isn't this _fun?_

**SOTE:TAS**

Let's watch the others eat dinner!

...

Isn't this- oh, look, something interesting!

"Eric's a dumbass," Daley said.

"_B1tch wut j00 j3st sy!?!?111?"_

"Was that even English?"

_SMACK._

And then there was mud wrestling. And Jackson had an incident that made it look he was totally hawt for Taylor.

"HATE YOU JACKSON. GAWD."

The girl bolted, crying huge tears of wangst.

"Damn it, Melissa, quit being an emo!" Taylor snapped.

"ARGH MORE DRAMA," Jackson growled.

"Fucking deserve it, dipshit! Pick either the ho-bag or Melissa."

"...I am a ho-bag!" Taylor declared loudly, flopping on her side, crying.

"Go to bed."

"But-"

She looked at them.

"You both want to go to bed."

"We want to go to bed," they said.

"You'll go to bed, and rethink your life."

"We'll go to bed, and rethink our life."

They walked off, zombie-like, to sleep and rethink their lives.

"Daley, you're a _Jedi_?" Lex asked.

"Duh. How else do you think I tied with Corbin Bleu in the popularity contest/leader decision?"

**SOTE:TAS**

Nathan chased after Melissa, until she collapsed in a puddle of wangst.

"Mel, what's wrong?"

"EVERYTHING TEENAGE DRAMA TEENAGE DRAMA WANGST."

"Hey, look, the 13th constellation that always get left out. I'm going to give a boy scout speech about how not everything gets what should be rightfully its and then tell you that it'll all be better."

"Everything is right with the world."

And so they walked back.

"Ew... I think I got a little bit of Taylor's wangst when I punched her," Melissa said, wiping it off.

"And remember, kids, elegant speeches about something inane always cures wangst! Knowing is half the battle!"

_**GI JOOOOEEEE.**_

**SOTE:TAS**

And then everyone went to sleep. Also, Nathan and Daley had a sweet moment, after Daley had Melissa sleep in her tent, while telling her that she would "sleep with Taylor", which caused half of the fanbase to imagine inappropriate things.

Perverts.


	4. Who Knows Anymore?

_**Who Knows Anymore?**_

_**You'll be really confused unless you read the story. XD**_

Asta forgot to put underlines on this chapter. I love how I can blame these things on him as the publishing author.

"FOR THE LORD OF THE FLIES!" Eric roared.

Alright, everyone. Roll initiative! Eric, 17. Pig, 12. Eric goes first! Eric uses _Stab The Damn Pig In the Face_. Targeted attack, called shot! 25 to hit! Success! The pig is dead! Eric gains 23 experience points! Eric levelled up! Eric is now a level 3 prat, level 2 stabby person! You got 300 gold. Not sure how that happened.

In other news, we have a splitscreen Eric and Abby moment which works better when there is a screen to split.

**SCENE SHIFT**

It's breakfast time and there are emos afoot! Melissa has another meltdown and there's some yelling.

"You stupid bratty teenagers woke me up!" Lex complained.

"Well nothing happened so sit down, shut up and eat!" Melissa replies.

"Chore time all!" Daley calls cheerfully.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Daley's leader cause I don't like trouble" Jackson says, then in a quieter voice, "unless I start it."

Taylor blinks. "So would you rather bang me or Mel?"

"Mel fo sho."

"Well there's something we agree on."

"Oh my god. You're gay ewwww"

**SCENE SHIFT**

Oh, look, it's Lex and Jackson having a discussion about a flashback. Hey, Asta suddenly remembered that a typhoon was headed their way and decided to use it a plot. Yay for good plotting. Derp.

**SCENE SHIFT**

And Asta decides to pull in Jory and Ian! They're almost OC-like in their lack of screen time! Woot! Oh, wait, Bobby be crazy.

"We need to stop just waiting for rescue," Ian said.

"I am lord and master. I say nay!"

"That is so hot."

And then some pointing to their friendship. D'awwwww.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Eric cooks, Abby smells it, while Nathan and Daley talk about doing nothing! Oh, and Lex has a mental rambling about how teenagers are dumb.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Eric looked up to see a shirtless Abby and spewed pork soup.

"Holy mother of mamaries! I mean sweet tits! I mean- oh forget it."

"Holy mother of _food_."

"Uh... not done yet? Wanna chat?"

"Sure. Wait. I NEED TO COVER MYSELF NOW."

"Crap."

And then they bonded over Eric's ability to magically do a splint.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Lunch time! Taylor cast Call Out the Bitch on Melissa. Melissa rages for 1d4 rounds!

"FUCK YOU, BEYOTCH."

"Meh. I'll take Abby."

"..."

Visions of lez porn danced in Nathan's head. And then Lex scars Daley by knowing about sex. Only then Nathan and Jackson decided that being gay is icky. Only Lex is equipped with the power of Wikipedia and Being the Author's Mouthpiece, and thusly pwnd their ass, as Asta so wonderfully decided to establish. Lex leveled up- oh screw it, we did that bit.

**SCENE SHIFT**

"Listen to me bitch about the campers. Bitch bitch bitch," Eric groaned.

"Yeah, I'mma leave," Abby said.

"Can I come with? You're hawt."

"You might die."

"Might not."

"Kay."

**SCENE SHIFT**

"Sooooooo... you gay?" Daley asked.

"Bi-sexual. Cut the small talk, I was listening to music," Taylor groused.

"If you continue being a bitch about Jackson and Melissa, I'll shove my foot so far up your ass it'll come out your teeth."

"Kinky."

**SCENE SHIFT**

Nathan and Lex talk about religion, reference one of the greatest video games ever, and discuss linguistics. But screw that stuff, onto the romantic garbage! Oh, hey, Abby and Eric are holding hands! OOOOOOOOH.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Dinner time! Everyone bitches about Eric being whiny, punk-ass, spoiled brat. Which I totally agree with. Only then Taylor got pissed.

"_FUK U GAIZ. ERIC TOTALLY HAZ ANGST OV3R H1$ $TUP1D PR3NT$ HU L1k3 t0t77y 1GN0R3 H1m omgT_T!!!!!!!!!!"_

And everyone was rendered speechless by her n00b speak.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Peeps get ready for bed, then _oh snap epic_ Lex and Jackson sneak out. Only it's bad, cuz Melissa assumes they're doing something for Taylor _for some unknown reason_.


	5. SRS BIZNIS

**SRS BIZNIS**

**THIS CHAPTER IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.**

"Get up!" Abby shouted, smearing blood on her face, "We hunt."

Eric then did everything she said because he is apparently the bitch of the relationship.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Jackson and Lex inspect the cave, then walk back. Neither were apparently smart enough to foresee _gasp_ anyone seeing them, and thusly look stupid as Mel confronts them, making her magically assume the cave is actually something Tay-related. Because Jackson has made it quite evident he wants to bang Taylor, in her mind.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Asta defines excruciating and explains the word origin, for the purposes of introducing-

"SON OF A WHORE THAT HURTS," Ian shouted.

That.

"Relax!"

Ian sat back, chilling, "I'm good, now. Thanks for that."

"We need to leave ASAP."

**SCENE SHIFT**

Awkward breakfast go! Melissa feels like being a bitch to Taylor and Nathan tries to ask Taylor what's wrong. Only _last night makes it kinda obvious, dumbass_. But we love you, anyways, Nathan.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Lex walks by Daley with fruit, only it's not the normal path!

"What are you doing with that?"

"Secret rations. For us cool, level-headed, author-favored characters, aka: Me and Jackson."

"Fuck you, too."

"I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYY."

**SCENE SHIFT**

Abby and Eric prepare to penetrate the jungle! ALL ABOARD THE INNUENDO TRAIN! CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA PERVERRRRRRT.

**SCENE SHIFT**

The soliloquoy for this chapter goes to Melissa, who wangsts about Jackson. Yawn. There's not enough stabbing in this scene.

**SCENE SHIFT**

"GAY!" Daley shouted.

"But-"

"GAY!"

"It's not-"

"GAY! GAY GAY GAY!"

"I'm not gay, I was actually gonna ask if we could-"

"GAY!"

"We could-"

"GAY!"

"I WANNA MAKE SEX TO YOU."

One backwards conversation later, Daley walked off and Nathan realized he might've been better off gay.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Oh, snap! A fish and Jackson are fighting!

"BITCH I KILL YOU!"

Jackson stabs the fuck out of the thing and then hands it to Taylor, who decides to go vegetarian. Yeah, Republicans _fucking love _this chick, now. And then Taylor talks about her conflict about fishing and _boo-fucking-hoo_ she has a girlfriend who she had to get away from for a while. Yeah, sure.

**SCENE SHIFT**

More getting ready for Eric and Abby. Get to the good part already! Yeah, yeah, Eric is a pervert who wants to bang Abby, _hurry up damn it._

**SCENE SHIFT**

_GODDAMN IT I DON'T CARE ABOUT MELISSA AND LEX TALKING. YES. SHE IS THE NICEST PERSON ON THE ISLAND. SHUT UP, SHRIMPO._

_YAY JORY AND IAN ARE WALKING AND LUNCH AND OTHER SHIT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT. _

_ANGRY RUSSEL IS ANGRY! _Hey, that must mean the good part's coming up- OH OF FUCKING COURSE NOT. DALEYxTAYLOR MOMENT, NATHAN TELLS MELISSA TO GO KISS JACKSON, IAN AND JORY REMEMBER STUPID THINGS, JACKSON SINGS, TAYLORblfshadbgflasibelkfbw;ilatglwiatgLI$hg97g tl9ga 98tga9u7ht;F

RAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR.

STUPID. THINGS. HAPPEN.

AND THEN ERIC KILLS RUSSEL.

THERE.

HE STABBED HIM.

IN THE FUCKING CHEST.

YAY.

THE WHOLE STUPID POINT OF THIS STORY.

DAMN.

And then Asta was knocked out for a moment. However, on a writing high after 9 o' clock means that he has no co-author but too much of an urge to keep writing, damn it all.

**SCENE SHIFT**

Eric freaks the fuck out, runs off, and Abby chases him.

"Hey, you've got friends!"

"Nuh-uh! Even Taylor abandoned me!"

_Hey there, sexy_.

Eric looked over and saw Taylor, believing himself to be on acid. He then refocused on reality!

"Survive or I'll kick you in the balls."

"k... kay..."

And then Jory and Ian showed up, and everything was wonderful! Only not really, cuz this is SRS BIZNIS.

**SCENE SHIFT**

"FORGIVE ME!" Jackson shouted, using all his cool points at once by getting on all fours.

"Okay, okay! Stop! You're putting too much awesome in the ground!"

**SCENE SHIFT**

Uhhh...

Huh.

See.

I'm not sure how to abridge this exactly...

"Bob's dead," Abby said, deciding not to beat around the bush.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And then some stuff about Eric's soul having been torn apart.

Yeah.

Not that funny.

But let's see _you_ try to come up with something.

Ingrates.


	6. Yay Mouthpiecery!

**Yay Mouthpiecery!**

Chores jogging breakfast. Imagine I hit fast forward. Can you hear the little whir sound like old VCRs. I'm probably dating myself now, aren't I? Oooh look here's Eric talking to invisible Taylor.

And the comment on shaving we made for Chaltab. Yay Chaltab. He's cool. Anyway moving on.

"Bob was nice, dude" said Ian who we really should have made say dude more often.

Jory agrees, "Bob was a real hero. Glad we could have this conversation to clear up why we cared about Bob."

"Not a problem Jory. May I shamelessly reference Breakfast Club?"

"Only if I can add an a Trekkie reference for instageek plus love factor x roll"

**Scene shift.**

Lex, Lex, how do you feel about me dating your sister?" Nathan sings.

Lex stares in confusion. "Fine. Wait do you have to sing everything you say?"

"Yes it what this cha-a-a-a-pter called for!"

"Well then I may hate singing," Lex stepped aside to reveal a shiny black cannon, " but I also think that your life on the island will get a lot rougher if you break her heart. This thing is used for more than breaking writer's block pretty boy."

**Scene shift.**

Here's where Taylor thinks it's all a dream and rips hair out of her head.

It would cool to replay that a few more times.

Taylor it's all a dream *rip* "Ow!" Taylor it's all a dream *rip* "Ow!"

"Author quit it! I don't want to go bald."

Fine.

**Scene shift.**

Daley wonders about talking to people, including a random OC, and then falls into the water. Let's laugh at her pain! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

**Scene shift.**

Bob's funeral. It's very sad. Very, very sad. Also, very unceremonious, given that they totally just sorta rolled him in there.

**Scene shift.**

WHY IS THAT CAMERA STILL WORKING!

Bah. Everyone talks and it's _boring_.

**Scene shift.**

"The storm's... bad," Ian said.

"Let's get in the grave. It'll be safer there, even though the water would probably flood there faster," Abby said.

"But-"

"SHUT UP, FATTY, I'MMA CUT YOU."

"Meep."

YES, DANCE ERIC, DANCE FOR MY AMUSEMENT, AND MAKE SILLY REFERENCES TO DR. HORRIBLE'S SING ALONG BLOG. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

...And then become Pacman! ...And call Abby babe! FOR MY AMUSEMENT!

**Scene shift.**

Nathan and Lex have a BROMANCE MOMENT, until Daley shows up!

"So, I will offer a detailed analysis of why we should _wait to have sex, you moron_."

"Okay. Date first?"

"Yes."

"Red Lobster?"

"Fuck no."

**Scene shift.**

"I HATE FISH!" Melissa raged.

And thusly, Nathan fantasized about pizza, before going off to find Lex. Oh, right, he went off to learn how to fight, though _nothing came of that, Asta, what the hell!_

**Scene shift.**

"I'm developing as a character by fantasizing about my girlfriend that was never hinted at and Asta didn't even know about until he figured out I was bisexual!"

Your mother.

**Scene shift.**

"Hey guys, sup?" Nathan asked, walking into Jackson and Lex's Super Secret Hide-Out: No Non-Asta Favored Characters Allowed.

"DUDE! YOU'RE TOTALLY BREAKING THE RULES!"

"...Fuck both of you. I'm going to deliver a swift verbal blow to your _groin_, by telling you off in a very calm manner."

"D'awwwwwww, now I feel like a jerk," Lex said.

"I do, too, strangely, despite being a badass."

**Scene shift.**

Eric talks about Ghost Rider while sleep-shoveling!

"Dude, you're creeping the _piss_ outta me," Ian said.

**Scene shift.**

"I'M GOING TO SAY THINGS REFERRING TO SWIMMING IN THE HOPES THAT TAYLOR WILL MAKE IT PERVERTED!"

"."

"Let's race! This will have no negative repercussions!"

"I'll be in the same position as always! Overlooking the conflict without actually participating!" Melissa shouted.

And then Nathan loses the race, because he's currently acting as Asta's Mouthpiece On Dating. YAY FOR MOUTHPIECERY.

**Scene shift. (Tired of this one, yet? Too bad. Economic downturns mean we have to get cheap labor!)**

AND NOW ERIC THINKS HE'S IN BLEACH. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY REFERENCES. DERP DERP DERP.

"You're FUCKNUTS!" Ian shouted.

"I'MMA KILL YOU!"

"I'm alpha bitch! Back off!" Abby screamed.

And then everyone goes to sleep, awwwwwww, isn't everything adorable!


	7. In Which Greek Themed Names Begin

_**In Which the Greek Themed Names Begins**_

"PANIC!" Lex screamed.

**SCENE SHIFT.**

"PANIC!" Abby screamed.

**SEEN RIFT.**

"WE'RE PANICKING!" the 29ers screeched.

"...wait, what about a secret cave!"

Oh, pretty insights into each of the 29ers as they watch the st- Oh SNAP, Jackson, you got knocked the FUCK OUT.

**SHIFT SCENE.**

Poetry about the storm, oh, pretty- bored.

**SHEEN SCIFT.**

"Where's the chicken?" Lex asked.

"I'MMA GO RISK MY LIFE FOR A BIRD, NOW, KTHXBAI!"

"Melissa, dammit, don't do that!" Jackson shouted, "Aw, damn, she's gone."

**ZENU SHIT (aka Scientology)**

"Hey, I know there was a really heartbreaking, epic scene of Melissa braving the storm, but let's be incongruent and totally put some humor up in this bitch with a really inane game," Jory said.

Actual Line: "Sure, I see no negative repercussions in this," Eric said.

There weren't, actually, though there totally _should have been_.

**SEEN THAT SHIFTY EYED GUY?**

"So, after my really epic walk, the chicken still died."

"Well shit."

"I AM !" Jackson roared.

Melissa casts Logic! It's super effective! Jackson feels like a jerk!

**SEEMS SKIPPY**

"HEY AUDIENCE, WE'RE BEING FUNNY TO BREAK UP THE HIGH-TENSION DRAMA. ISN'T IT GRAND!"

**SCENE-U SHIFT-U!**

Look guys! Taylor's DEVELOPING! 8DDDDDDD

"Let's talk," Jackson whispered.

"Eff you," Melissa hissed.

"Just kiss, bitches," Taylor murmured.

AND THEN THEY DID.

**SEEN A SKIPPER LATELY?**

Anime references! AND GEORGE BUSH! YAY.

"Watch as I totally shoot humor in the head," Abby hissed.

And then Jory had a sad.

**We fired the latest Scene Shift Guy for getting off topic. We apologize, and return you to your regularly schedule scene shift.**

"Hey, Abby's group isn't being funny," Asta said to himself.

"Well, you could do something funny with the others in the cave," Melreincarn replied.

Asta grinned evilly, "Nathan's going to have a wet dream."

"...I'm not having a part in this."

AND THEN HE DID AND IT WAS AWKWARD AND HILARIOUS. (sweet moment at the end of the chapter somehow).


	8. In Which the M Rating Becomes Deserved

_**In Which the M Rating Becomes Deserved**_

**I AM THE NEW SCENE SHIFT. THE SCENE IS SHIFTING.**

...Okay, look, everyone _thinks_ a lot in this chapter. Yay. Thinking. Or having a sweet moment. And confirming couplings. It's really boring. And _really _hard to abridge in an interesting way.

Ugh, do I have to?

...Fine.

**SHIFTING.**

"You cool with my sex dream?" Nathan asked.

"Totally, I had one about you!"

"Really? GIRLY SQUEAL."

"...totally gay."

**SHIFTINGGGGGG.**

"I'm so not crazy that I'm going to hallucinate that I'm talking to Taylor's shade and re-enact that one scene from the Odyssey!" Eric declared.

**SHIFTING ONE MOMENT**

"Yo, chicky-chick, I know I'm awesome and all, but it was Taylor who-"

"FUCK YOU, WE'RE TOGETHER AND WE'RE STAYING TOGETHER, I DON'T CARE _WHO_ PULLED THE STRINGS."

"...yes, ma'am."

**STOP SHIFTING SO FAST I CANNOT KEEP UP**

And Jory thinks about Eric being insane and then decides he Needs Somebody to Love, Ohhhhhhhh (great now I have Queen stuck in my head). Only she can't do it, cuz she LOVES IAN, SHOCK, AWWWWWE.

**SERIOUSLY STOP IT FOR IT IS HARD TO KEEP SHIFTING**

OKAY SCREW IT, I AM SKIPPING THINGS. You wanna know what happens? Read the damn thing! NOTHING IS INTERESTING.

Thoughts! Awkward conversations! Sexual innuendos! Jeez, how hormonal was Asta at the time!

Oh, and Abby starts wondering if she should bang Eric. The answer? You'll find out! Oh wait, it's kind of obvious.

****

"I'm being girly again!" Nathan declared.

"...Why did I get stuck with the homosexual one?"

**BSOD BSOD BSOD**

ONE PIECE REFERENCES FOR IT IS THE BEST MANGA OF ALL TIME, SCREW YOU NARUTO AND BLEACH! ...And then Eric defends Abby's chest!

**REBOOTING**

It's a sweet moment, d'awwwwww look at dem pray.

...

Aren't they adorable!

...

I'm gonna _screw them up._

**SCENE SHIFT PROGRAM RE-ACTIVATED. SWITCHING SCENES.**

"Hey, Eric."

"Hey, Abby."

"Wanna fuck?"

"Sure."

AND THEN THEY DID, SO ASTA SLAPPED AN M RATING ON THIS BITCH.

**...I QUIT. I SPENT MOST OF THE CHAPTER FIZZLING OUT AND THEN REBOOTING BECAUSE OF HOW OFTEN YOU SWITCH SCENES! HAVE YOU NO CONTROL OVER YOURSELF? WHAT HAPPENED TO TREATING YOUR WORKERS WITH A BREAK! WHA- Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzttttt...**


End file.
